Make yourself happy and do it with no regrets. Happiness is a gift from life that you should protect daily. Doing this will help you see more of the pleasant things in life even in the face of the toughest of challenges.

Life is a journey full of ups and downs, and everyone will have a share of joys, sadness, disappointment, and other kinds of feelings associated with living. Moreover, each encounter can help you discover how to make yourself happy.

The secret to navigating through life’s challenges is by remaining happy intentionally and always wearing a smile because sadness does not help solve any problems. It only makes a person so miserable that they won’t be able to think up solutions to the issues being faced.

It is important to know ways to make yourself happy irrespective of the situation you are currently facing. James Oppenheim once wrote, “The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet.”

That said, it is no surprise that most of the things you can do to make yourself happy revolve around finding happiness in yourself and not from other people.

When you make your happiness dependent on someone else, you are very likely to get disappointed a lot. Likewise, when you attach your happiness to material things, you will never find happiness until you get that particular material thing you seek.

1. Only Say Nice Things to Yourself
   Do you know that little voice in your head you have conversations with? You control it even though it feels like a different entity sometimes. You are happy when people say nice things, and it’s the same when you say nice things to yourself.

If you tell yourself that you are miserable, your brain will believe that and that will make you sad. In contrast, when you say nice things to yourself, your mind reads that as a compliment and that will raise your mood and make you happy.

So, to make yourself happy, it is very important to always say nice things to yourself even when you do something silly.

2. Understand That Life Is a Process
   People sometimes put a lot of pressure on themselves by setting their goals alongside a certain age. You hear people say things like, “I should be earning six figures at the age of 27,” or “I should be married at 25” and similar things. If these things fail, they begin to hate themselves or feel ashamed of themselves.

This feeling is one of the significant causes of depression. People get depressed because they are unable to achieve unrealistic goals.

It is essential to accept the way you are at every point and keep working towards your goals. No time is too late to achieve anything you want to make yourself happy.

3. Do Not Compare Yourself to Others
   This is a very vital tip on how to make yourself happy. Most people make the mistake of comparing where they are at a particular time with their school mates. And when they see them live what they perceive as a better life than them, they begin to hate themselves for that single reason.

It is vital for people to always remember that every person runs a different race, and one person’s life shouldn’t be used as a yardstick to judge your progress in life.

Social Media, on its own, has increased the pressure people feel when they see their mates posting their success. You should learn to find happiness in the little things life has offered you, yourself, your family, and many other simple things.

4. Always Forgive Yourself
   Some people beat themselves up for so long when they make a mistake or do something wrong. When you beat yourself up for too long for a mistake, you begin to hate yourself for the mistake you made, and you can never make yourself happy when you hate yourself.

The right thing to do when you make a mistake is to sit down and have a complete analysis of the whole issue. If you are wrong, admit your fault and ask yourself questions like, “how can I be better next time?” Then, forgive yourself with a promise that when faced with a similar situation, you will make the right choice. This is important to know if you are determined to know how to make yourself happy.

5. Avoid People Who Make You Feel Bad About Yourself
   In life, certain people want to make you feel bad about yourself every single time. Sometimes, these are people we hold in high regard and have a lot of respect for. They can be family members, partners, friends, colleagues at the workplace, etc. These people see no good in people and are toxic to people around them.

Such people will only make you unhappy whenever you have close contact with them. Therefore, it is important to stay away from them if you want to be happy. If a person does not make you happy, then it will do you a lot of good if you stay away from them and find more positive people.

6. Prioritize Your Health
   The numerous benefits of eating healthy by consuming less sugar and junk, eating more vegetables, exercising regularly, and taking supplements cannot be overemphasized. Apart from making you healthy, they make you look better, and looking better translates to you loving yourself more.

Working on maintaining overall health is a form of self-love as that is going to benefit you both physically and mentally. However, when you slip up, you shouldn’t go hard on yourself. A good number of people get very angry at themselves when they eat what they are not supposed to eat or drink what they are not supposed to. It is okay to have that less healthy food your body craves as long as you don’t make it a habit.

7. Spend Money on Yourself
   This is one very important part of how to make yourself happy that a lot of people skip. Some people don’t believe that there is a need to spoil themselves sometimes. They would instead get the best stuff for their partners, family members, and even friends, but when it comes to spending on themselves, it becomes a very difficult thing to do.

They would buy the cheapest clothes, shoes, and accessories for themselves even though they would instead want a much more expensive one.

If you can afford the best clothing, then buy them for yourself and make yourself happy. You should make it a part of you to always put yourself first. Try to spend money to get what you want regardless of the price today and see how happy it makes you feel.

8. Make the Places You Spend Most of Your Time in as Comfortable as Possible
   As a human being, where you spend most of your time should be made to be very neat and furnished to your taste. This may sound unnecessary, but studies have shown that you sleep better in an elegant, beautiful room and comfortable bed than you will in an untidy room. Likewise, people tend to be more productive working in an orderly and neat office.

Aside from these benefits, being in a place that is as comfortable as you want it to be will give you happiness that will affect your total well-being. So, buy that comfortable bed that has been on your mind or that furniture or appliance you have always wanted to buy if want to be happy every day.

9. Take Out Time to Have Fun
   In an ever-busy world, it is very possible to forget about fun and just be all about work. Irrespective of how much you earn from your work or how much you enjoy your job, the human brain is programmed to get weary when the same activity is performed day after day without taking time to wind off and breathe.

Having fun now and then is very beneficial as it gives the brain the much-needed rest it deserves after a while of working, and it also improves your mood and makes you happier. So, take time away from work and go for vacations, the beach, or any other place of interest that will keep your mind away from work for the time being.

10. Always Have Three Square Meals Daily
    Some people get so occupied with their work that they forget to eat sometimes, thereby making them skip a meal or, in the worst-case scenario, two meals. This is a habit a large number of people are guilty of today. This is a very unloving habit to do to yourself.

Don’t ever be so busy that you won’t have time to eat. However, the possibility of actually being so busy cannot be ignored, but a meal should not be skipped even if you end up eating something very light. It is better than nothing.

When you stop skipping meals, you will be surprised to see the effect that can have on your overall mood. That said, it is essential to eat every meal as it is essential in knowing how to be happy always.

11. Helping People Who Are in Need
    Helping people who are in dire need also has a way of making you happy. It is essential to show love and care to the vulnerable members of society. This act of kindness has a way of making you feel fulfilled and happier after doing them.

Take a portion of your salary and give to the homeless, the sick, and other people who need help around you and watch how the joy you caused them through your gesture finds a way of coming back to you.

Final Thoughts
Learning a new thing is just a tiny part of the work. Applying what has been learned is where the real challenge lies, and that is where a lot of people falter.

Happiness is something every human should not be deprived of. A life without happiness is a tough one to live. These eleven tips have shown a couple of practices that can be applied to your everyday life to make yourself happy and help keep a smile on your face even when there is nothing much to smile about.

In light of the Covid-19 pandemic, tensions are running especially high, and you might find yourself faced with more aggressive counterparts who make finding common ground seem almost impossible.

The quality of our early attachments profoundly influences our relationships later in life.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who was emotionally unavailable? What about someone who was emotionally exhausting?

People give up on finding “the one” after experiencing a relationship or two with someone who has either style. Self-doubt sets in and you think, “something must be wrong with me.”

To understand this phenomenon you must first understand attachment theory, one of the most well researched theories in the field of relational psychology. Attachment theory describes how our early relationships with a primary caregiver, most commonly a parent, creates our expectation for how love should be.

Our view of ourself and others is molded by how well these caregivers were available and responsive to meet our physical and emotional needs. In our adult relationships, our attachment system is triggered by our romantic partners.

The attachment alarm

How are we triggered? Think about the availability of your primary caregiver.

• Were they neglectful, always there for you, or inconsistent?
• Who did you go to when you had a problem?
• Was there someone there you could really count on?

You can start to identify your own attachment style by getting to know the four patterns of attachment in adults and learning how they commonly affect couples in their relating.

According to attachment theory, you have a secure attachment style if a caregiver was responsive and available to you as a child, making you feel safe and secure. Creating a secure attachment is important for dating to create a healthy relationship. In a secure relationship your partner is there for you and has your back. If you are an insecure style (and you choose someone with an insecure style), you will continually be triggered and never feel safe or secure in your relationship.

If your caregiver was unresponsive, you form an insecure attachment pattern. An insecure attachment style manifests in three main ways.

Anxious Attachment: Develops when a caregiver has been inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability, confusing the child about what to expect. As an adult, this person acts clingy at times and finds it difficult to trust their partner.

Avoidant Attachment: Develops when a caregiver is neglectful. These are the children that play by themselves and develop the belief that no one is there to meet their needs. As adults, they typically label themselves as very independent.

Disorganized Attachment: Develops from abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. A child learns to fear the caregiver and has no real “secure base.”

All of these styles influence the way you behave in your romantic relationships and how you find a romantic partner.

So, this begs the question, can one change their attachment style to a more secure way of relating?

Changing your attachment style

The answer is yes, but it takes hard work. Often therapy can be incredibly helpful. Being aware of your attachment style and the choices you are making in a partner is crucial. A quality therapist will guide your development of the awareness necessary to discern whether you are reacting to past wounds.

We tend to recreate unhealthy relationship patterns from our childhood in our adulthood. As much as people may dislike it, the familiarity is comforting. You may even confuse the feelings of relationship chemistry with what is the familiarity of your early life experience.

You can challenge your insecurities by choosing a partner with a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. By facing your fears about love, you can build new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship.

Love and attachment are two completely different emotions and situations. A lot of the time, the attachment will play with your mind and make you think that you’re in love. So how can we really determine what you are feeling? Perhaps you are reading this article because you have met someone that gives you all the feelings of what you regard as love, but you’re unsure of what has actually happened is you are attached to them? If so, you are in the right place.

In this article, we are going to pick apart the many differences between being in love and being attached to someone, so you can figure out what it is that you are truly feeling towards this person.

Attachment is egocentric. Love is altruistic.

This is the first point I have made, for a reason. It is probably the most important thing that you need to understand the differences between attachment and love.

We get attached to people because of the way that they make us feel when we are around them. Then, when we continue to see them, we do it because we know that they make us feel this way. They might make us feel a little less lonely, they might encourage and support us. We need them there to top up our self-esteem, and because this person is good at doing that for us, we get attached to them and mistake it for love. When you are attached, you are thinking of yourself, and yourself only.

When you are in love, you think about the other person. Of course, it helps that when you are around them you feel great, but that’s not the reason you stick around. You love them, and you want to make them happy. You could say that being in love makes you put them as the top priority in your life, even over yourself.

Attachment makes you feel distraught when you aren’t with that person. Love makes you miss the person.

Attachment makes you feel alone and sad when you are not with the person you are attached too. This is because they are the reason you feel great and they boost your confidence so much when you are around them. When you are attached to someone, you can’t get enough of them. You feel like you need to be around them all the time. You get almost obsessed with being around this person. When you are away from them, you might feel like your feelings towards them start to dwindle and disappear, so you must see them keep it all alive.

This is when problems will start to occur. For example, when you are attached you might start to put this person over anyone, especially your friends and family. This can be dangerous because attachment does not last forever and when it is no longer there anymore, you might realize you aren’t left with anyone at your side.

Love makes you miss the person when you are apart from them. However, it doesn’t all consume your thoughts and feelings when you are not with them. When you truly are in love with someone, it doesn’t matter if you are apart for a little while, because the feeling still remains in your heart. There is no obsessive need to be with them all day, every day. You can still appreciate them from afar.

This also means that when you are truly in love because you don’t feel the need to be with them at every waking moment, you can still spend time with your other loved ones because love just makes you a more fulfilled person than you were before, it is not all-consuming.

Attachment is a surface-level connection. Love is deep and passionate.

When you are attached to someone, as we have already said, you are attached to them because of how they make you feel. You will never really connect with this person on a deeper level because what you are feeling is a vain and selfish kind of emotion. You also won’t feel the need to get to know them on a deeper level, because for now, you are happy with how everything is between you. You are getting complimented and supported, and that is all you need from the relationship.

Love is the complete opposite of that. When you are in love, you feel so passionately for this person. You want to know everything about them, what they love and hate, what their childhood was like and what strange quirks they have. You soak up every single thing you can about them because you want to know them on a deeper level. You are creating an unbreakable connection with them, getting to know them deeper better than you have with anyone else ever before.

Attachment is controlling. Love encourages freedom.

When you are attached to someone, you might realize that you are using controlling behavior, so that you can spend the most amount of time with this person as possible. For example, you might discourage the person from spending time with their friends and family because you want them all to yourself. It might get to a more extreme level where you become jealous. This could mean that you start to manipulate the person into focusing on you and you only. This is really unhealthy behavior, and it shows that you are definitely not in love with them. You are trying to control someone, and you wouldn’t do this if you really cared about them and their feelings.

When you are in love, of course, you want to spend as much time possible with the person that you love, but you would never put your needs above them. You understand that what’s going to make them happy is to keep spending time with their family and friends, so you encourage them to do so. You would never tell them what to do because you respect them and care about how they feel. You would never try to manipulate them into spending time with you because then it isn’t real. You don’t want to make your partner unhappy or ever put them in the situation that they have to choose you over their own freedom. A strong and loving relationship goes off the basis that two independent people come together and love each other, without controlling each other.

The attachment will never help either person to grow. Love encourages you both to grow.

Being attached to someone means that they take up a lot of your time, and you, therefore, take up a lot of theirs. It is a selfish situation, where you are always trying to make yourself feel good by being around that person. You are not actually that bothered with what they are doing, as long as they make you feel good. So, you won’t encourage personal development and growth for them, and you are also restricting it for yourself. You are not only stopping independent growth but being in a situation of attachment does not allow the relationship between you to grow, because it starts off on the wrong basis. You are not trying to feel mutual love together, you are taking what you want and need from the relationship. It is entirely selfish and consuming.

When you are in love with someone, you will try to encourage them to be the best version of themselves. They will also do the same for you. You will both be positively affecting each other’s lives. You will provide support for your partner, and they will do the same for you. You both care about what the other person wants, so you will help them to achieve whatever it is. A loving relationship is where you both stimulate each other to take on your lives in the most successful way possible, knowing that you always have someone that will be there to help you, support you and love you.

Attachment makes you a more self-centered person. Love makes you a better version of yourself.

When you are attached to someone, as I have already said, you are carrying on the relationship for your own selfish reasons. So, if you are constantly doing something to benefit yourself, you are only going to get increasingly self-centered. Also, because what you are basing this relationship off is surface-level interaction that keeps you feeling good, you will be becoming increasingly shallower. In the future, you might, therefore, find it difficult to make and sustain a deeper level of connection with people. Essentially, you are not growing in the world of love, but you are in a world of selfishness.

When you are in love with someone, all you want to do is become a better person. Not only will you want to do this to impress them, but you will genuinely want to do it to make their lives better because you are in it. The feeling of love makes you feel unbelievably lucky, and therefore you will also show gratitude to not only the person you are with but also the world as a whole. 

Through loving your partner purely, you will become a better and more loving person. You will also be able to notice the more negative qualities that you have, and you will try to fix them so that they don’t destroy your relationship. By loving someone else, you can look deeper within yourself and fix the parts of you that don’t resonate with your kind heart.

Attachment never compromises. Love is full of ‘meeting in the middle’.

People who are in an attached relationship with each other, because of its self-centered foundations, will never compromise. They will both stay stubborn. This relationship stems from being selfish, so of course, they are never going to surrender to what someone else wants. It also normal that one person in an attachment relationship will always take control, so this might be yourself or it might be your partner. However, normally one person does lead the way and the other is submissive. Whichever way around it is for you, you need to realize that this is a completely unhealthy relationship, and you should never feel coerced into doing something that you don’t want to, or be coercing someone else to do something they don’t want to.

In a loving relationship, compromise is absolutely key. Unlike attachment, you are both equals in this relationship and therefore you will want to make sure that you both have equal say in your decisions. All couples that are in love make compromises. These compromises could be anything as small as where to go for dinner, to which house to buy. You will always want the other person to be happy in a loving relationship, so you will swallow your pride, not be stubborn and compromise with them.

Attachment tries to change you. Love accepts you as you are.

When you are attached to your partner, you will try to change them in ways that will make you happier, because they are only there to make you happy. If they are doing things that don’t make you fulfilled, you will try to manipulate the way they act around you and you might even try to change their character and personality. This is a completely unfair behavior to demand someone to change themselves just so you can experience a better relationship with them.

When you are in love, you completely accept your partner for who they are, and will never try to change them. Of course, there might be things that you find slightly irritating about them, but you will choose to accept it and move on. You are in love with them, and you will understand that you can’t change them, because then they will no longer be the person you fell for. When you fell in love with them, you almost took a silent vow to love them for the whole of who they are, with both the good bits, and the not so good parts.

Attachment is difficult. Love is easy.

When you are attached to someone, it might all feel a bit too difficult to be together. There might be a lot of hard times that the two of you go through just to be together. It might feel like the world is telling you that you shouldn’t be together, but because they make you feel good, you persevere anyway.

Love, on the other hand, is actually one of the easiest things in the world. When it is true love, nothing can stop you from being together, and it will just fit into your life perfectly. Of course, it might be hard knowing that you are falling for someone and making yourself feel emotionally vulnerable, but love will fit right into your life without making any problems.

Attachment comes and goes. Love will stand the test of time.

Anyone can get attached to someone else, at any time, as long as they make them feel good. Therefore, the attachment can also disappear at any time. It’s a very transient feeling and situation because there was nothing deep or real involved in it. You can pretty much get attached to anyone because it is not about them, it is about you. This means that there will probably not be a specific person that you stick with long term, because other people might make you feel good in different ways at different times in your life.

On the other hand, love stands the test of time. Of course, it can all go wrong, and you might break up, but the feeling of love will never disappear from you. You will always hold onto the person and the feelings you had when you were with them. You will also always have a candle that burns for that person. Love transcends time, and so it will always stay with you in your heart.

Are you in love, or are you attached?

Now we have had a look at the many differences between love and attachment, we are going to take a look at the signs of both types of relationships, which should help you better understand which kind of relationship you are in.

Signs of attachment:

• You feel lost without them there to boost your ego.
• You get jealous easily when they are not around you.
• You keep in contact with them all the time.
• You rely on them to make you happy because otherwise, your self-esteem would below.
• You manipulate them so that they spend less time with others, and more time with you.
• You know that you are only with this person for selfish reasons, not because you love the person they are.
• You can’t see yourself without them, but you don’t plan your future together.

Signs of love:

• If you had to choose, you would most likely put their needs above your own.
• You can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with this person.
• You plan the future with them.
• They are the first person that you depend on.
• They make you unbelievably happy.
• You can feel yourself becoming a better person when you are around them.
• They give you a safe space to share your vulnerabilities with them.
• You simply know that you love them.

What should do you if you realize you are attached to someone?

Although attachment and love might have seemed similar before, I hope that after reading this article, you have been able to realize that they are in fact, entirely different. Attachment is actually a negative relationship, that is normally one-sided and emotionally unhealthy. So, if you have worked out that you are attached to someone, here’s what you should do next:

1. You need to break it off.

This might be a really difficult thing to do because I’m sure that you think you would be lost without this person. However, the only way you are going to be able to find true love is by leaving this unhealthy attachment behind and moving forward. If it helps, make sure you have a good support network around you that can help you after the breakup, especially if you know your self-esteem will hit rock bottom without this person in your life anymore.

2. You need to work on yourself.

The only reason people get attached to someone is that they feel like they have a hole in their self-esteem or exceptionally low confidence. Without this person there anymore to lift you up and keep stroking your ego, you will probably feel very low. You need to know that breaking off the relationship was the healthiest thing to do for yourself. Now, it’s time to get to work.

I would recommend thinking in-depth about why you have low self-confidence, and if it helps maybe even going to see a therapist. This will not be an overnight process, and it’s something you may need to work on for years even. However, when you have healed yourself, only then are you ready to open yourself up to the wonderful world of love.

3. Open yourself up to the prospect of real love.

Once you have healed any trauma within you, and your self-esteem is back, you are ready to get back into the world of real love, not attachment. Because this time, I’m hoping you will be able to notice if you are getting attached to someone rather than falling in love with them. People will be more attracted to you than ever before, because being a confident and self-assured person, is sexy.

Conclusion

I hope this article was able to help you figure out if you are feeling attached, or in love. The only thing left to say is that I wish you the best of luck dealing with everything, and the world of love will always be open for you, you just need to know what you’re looking for.

What exactly is it?

When we think of someone who’s emotionally mature, we typically picture a person who has a good understanding of who they are.

Even if they don’t have all the answers, an emotionally mature individual gives off a sense of “calm amid the storm.” They’re the ones we look to when going through a difficult time because they perform well under stress.

In other words, emotional maturity is when someone can manage their emotions no matter their circumstances.

They know how to respond to tough situations and still keep their cool. It’s a skill set they can consistently work on over time.

Here’s a look at key characteristics and things we can do to develop emotional maturity.

What are the key characteristics?

Taking responsibility

People with emotional maturity are aware of their privilege in the world and will try to take steps toward changing their behavior.

This means you don’t blame others (or yourself) when something goes awry.

You possess a spirit of humility — instead of complaining about your circumstances, you become action-oriented. You may ask, “What can I do to improve this situation?”

Showing empathy

Emotionally mature individuals approach life by doing as much good as they can and supporting those around them.

You know how to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Meaning, you often feel more concern for others and try to find ways of helping.

Owning mistakes

You know how to apologize when you’ve done wrong. No excuses. You’ll admit your mistakes and try to find ways of rectifying the situation.

You also don’t have the desire to be right all the time. Instead, you’ll acknowledge that you indeed don’t have “all the answers.”

Being unafraid of vulnerability

You’re always willing to open up and share your own struggles so others feel less alone.

You’re also not interested in being seen as “perfect” all the time.

Emotional maturity means being honest about your feelings and building trust with those around you because you don’t have an agenda.

Recognizing and accepting needs

Those with emotional maturity can admit when they need help or when they’re burning out. For example, you’ll acknowledge when you need a break and know when to ask your boss for a day off.

You’re also able to clearly communicate with your partner for more help around the house.

Setting healthy boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is a form of self-love and respect. You know how and when to define a line and won’t allow others to cross it.

Does age have anything to do with it?

In short: yes and no. There are many factors that can influence a person’s level of maturity. Being exposed to a wider range of experiences at a younger age is one example.

Critical parts of the brain like the prefrontal cortex — which helps curb risk-taking behavior — don’t fully develop until about the age of 25. This can account for why a lot of teen emotions often seem unpredictable.

Still, a person’s level of maturity has more to do with their emotional intelligence — or the way they choose to respond to a challenging situation — rather than their age.

Even full-grown adults can have a low maturity level. That’s why you may meet a much younger person who seems wiser than their years.

Is there any way to test your emotional maturity?

There are tons of online tests and quizzes to help you determine your maturity level. Many of these are for entertainment purposes and aren’t clinically reliable or valid.

You can also start off by asking yourself some basic questions to get a sense of where you are.

How did you respond to a recent stressful situation?

When you’re under a looming deadline at work, how have you expressed your need for a break? Did you snap at a co-worker or blow off steam at the gym later that evening?

Becoming upset with others and failing to acknowledge our own needs is a sign that you may need to develop your maturity.

How have you coped with unexpected change?

When your BFF reports a new promotion or that they’ve gotten engaged, how did you react?

Did you wish them well and ask how you could help them celebrate, or did you withdraw and become annoyed at them for sharing details?

People with emotional maturity are able to express their joy to others even in the midst of sudden change.

Are you often fed up with everyone and everything?

When you’re less mature, the world is full of minor annoyances, and you’re unaware of your own privileges. Think about how often a day you complain about others or different situations.

Do you express gratitude or stay stuck in rehashing everything that’s gone wrong? Can you see how others may have it worse?

When things go wrong, do you usually pin the blame on yourself or others?

While it’s more than normal to have a crabby day now and then, if you’re caught up in self-blame or finding fault with everyone around you, it’s a sign you could stand to work on your maturity.

Learning to see a situation with self-compassion and nuance — where nothing is either black or white — can help you avoid falling into the blame game.null

How can I work on my own emotional maturity?

Learn to identify your emotions

Recognizing how you feel — whether sadness, anger, or embarrassment — can help you understand why you’re reacting the way you are.

As an exercise, try writing down the number of times you were bothered by others in a journal for a week. Then try identifying the underlying emotion.

This gives you more insight into how you can respond to a situation and what your needs are.

Let go of shame

Becoming conscious of when we’re feeling bad about ourselves can give us the agency to make change.

By letting go of shame, you’re free to take charge of your life and live on your own terms rather than by other people’s expectations.

Set healthy boundaries

Being emotionally mature means not letting anyone cross your boundaries.

If you’re constantly hanging out with someone demanding your time, for example, setting a boundary is showing you won’t compromise your self-respect.

Take ownership of your reality

Look at your life and take full responsibility for both the good and the bad. Exercising this kind of ownership can help you take control of your choices.

Learning to recognize when you’ve made a mistake grants you insight into preventing it from happening again in the future, and from making other poor choices going forward.

Observe others with curiosity

Instead of reacting when someone becomes dramatic, try displaying patience and understanding for where they’re coming from.

Be curious about your approach to others and avoid judging their behavior. Rather than snap at someone’s offensive remark, you may determine that it’s time to move on from an unhealthy friendship.

Follow someone else’s lead

Finding a reliable role model can go a long way in helping us develop a greater level of emotional maturity.

When we see someone we admire handling a setback smoothly, we’re much more likely to model their behavior.

They allow us to see that there’s a better way to manage our emotions and how we can respond to distressing events.

The bottom line

Becoming self-aware of our own worth as well as the worth of others is what helps us lead a happier and more fulfilling life.

Apologizing to those around us, admitting when we need help, and seeking support are all ways to develop our own personal growth.

The more we’re willing to take charge of our behavior, the more we find connection and true belonging.

In short, maturity is a choice we can all make little by little, day by day.

There were many reasons we chose to become minimalist and simplify our lives. We were frustrated with clutter. We discovered the time that was wasted managing our possessions. We realized joy was not found in our possessions. And we determined that we value other things far more than physical belongings. This initial process of simplifying our home required energy, effort, and encouragement.

But the process of remaining minimalist and living this counter-cultural lifestyle against all odds requires something completely different. It requires knowing how to be content.

Contentment is the lifeblood of minimalism. And without it, the journey towards minimalism is short-lived. Discontent will always rear its ugly head and become a great obstacle to fully thriving in a simple and happy life.

Not only does contentment provide the opportunity for minimalism, it also reduces your stress level, improves your outlook, relaxes your body, and makes your life enjoyable. There is an unmistakable freedom that accompanies contentment: a freedom to be who you are, enjoy who you are, and live the life you were destined to live.

Yet in our consumeristic-culture where discontent is promoted and material gratification is encouraged, learning to be content can be very difficult. It is certainly a personal journey that we all must travel and nobody’s journey will look the same.

Finding Contentment

Although there is no one-size-fits-all program to fully-attain contentment, you can still learn how to be content by being intentional. Here are six tips you can apply today to find more contentment in your life:

1. Practice gratitude. It is impossible to develop contentment without gratitude—they are inseparable. And a grateful person is one who has learned to focus on the good things in their life, not the things they lack. The simple discipline of beginning the exercise will undoubtedly shift your focus back to the many good things you already have.

2. Take control of your attitude. A person who lacks contentment in their life will often engage in “when and then thinking” – “when I get _______, then I will be happy.” Instead, take control of your attitude. Remember, your happiness is not reliant on the acquisition of any possession. Your happiness is based solely on your decision to be happy—this may be one of the most important life lessons you can ever learn.

3. Break the buying habit. For many of us, it has been ingrained into our lives that the proper way to diffuse discontent is to purchase the outward item that is seemingly causing the discontentment. Almost no energy is spent determining the true root of the discontent. Are you dissatisfied with your wardrobe? Go buy new clothes. Not content with your vehicle? Go buy a new one. We have gotten into the habit of satisfying our discontent by simply spending more money.

We must break that habit. Material possessions will never fully satisfy the desires of your heart (that’s why discontent always returns). The next time you recognize discontentment surfacing in your life, refuse to give into that bad habit. Instead, commit to better understand yourself and why the lack of that item is causing discontent. Only after you intentionally break this thinking will true contentment begin to surface.

4. Stop comparing yourself to others. Comparing your life with someone else’s will always lead to discontentment. There will always be people who “appear” to be better off than you and seemingly living the perfect life. But be advised, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Their life is never as perfect as your mind makes it out to be. You are unique. You are special. Your life is different. And it’s always better that way. Prioritize learning how to stop comparing yourself to others.

5. Help others. When you begin helping others, sharing your talents, time and money, you will find yourself learning to be content. The practice will give you a finer appreciation for what you own, who you are, and what you have to offer.

6. Be content with what you have, never with what you are. Never stop learning, growing, or discovering. Take pride in your personhood and the progress that you have made, but never become so content that you cannot find room for improvement. Contentment is not the same as complacency. As soon as you stop growing, you start dying.

How we define Contentment?

Contentment is finding joy in what we already have in our lives, feeling or showing satisfaction with our possessions, status, or situation. It’s being happy without trying to find fulfillment in acquiring more material possessions.

Taste of Contentment..

Contentment allows us to stop comparing ourselves to others and it allows us to break the cycle of wanting more. It lets us be grateful and happy for all that we have. This approach to life is scientifically proven to reduce your stress level, improve your outlook, relax your body, and make life more enjoyable difference between contentment and complacency?

Difference between contentment and complacency..

The difference can seem minor but there’s actually a world of difference. Contentment is to be happy with what you have and find satisfaction in your present circumstances. Complacency is being unsatisfied with how your life is in the moment but still being unwilling to make changes to improve your situation.

Is contentment a choice?

Absolutely, although it’s not as easy as it sounds. Learning how to be content comes from a combination of intentional mindset shifts, habit changes, and being aware of our thoughts and actions.

Imagine you’re sitting on a meadow looking at the sky and a flock of birds flies slowly across your field of vision.

You watch the birds enter your view, keep watching as they cross it and then exit it.

There’s you, and there’s the birds. No question about that, right? You certainly don’t feel that the birds are part of you. They’re objects and you’re watching them. That’s VERY clear.

You might not realize it, but your thought process is remarkably similar…

Your thoughts are passing by in front of you and you’re only watching them. They’re objects, just like the birds. They are not you. They are the products of your brain.

A thought like, “I’m depressed” or “I’m so happy” is just like one of those birds. So is “What a lousy life I’m leading” or “Life is so cool!”

They’re all like those birds, and you’re watching them.

But all these days you felt those thoughts were “you.”

So how do you experience that you are separate from your thoughts and just watching them? Easy.

Sit quietly somewhere, close your eyes and watch what’s going on in your head. As soon as you “think” something, try and locate the answer to the question, “Who was aware of that thought?” The answer is the basic “you”, and the result will be that you separate “yourself” from that thought.
Perform this process on a daily basis on several thoughts (10 minutes a day will do). Gradually you will realize you are separate from all your thoughts; you will in other words realize that they are objects and you are an observer. Since emotions are nothing but thoughts, you separate yourself from them too. Since the basic “you” is separate from your emotions, it feels no sadness, happiness, frustration or any other emotions.
Sound dull? Not really. On the other hand, bereft of thoughts/emotions of all kinds, you are actually at perfect peace.

Please be aware that at no point am I saying that you should suppress your thoughts. Your thoughts should certainly keep flowing, only you should watch them like you watched those birds fly over your field.

This is the secret to being peaceful at all times. Try it, it really works!

To your peaceful life,

Cheers,

How to live the good life? The ability is in your soul, as long as it remains unattached to things that are morally neutral to it. And the soul will remain unattached if it carefully scrutinizes each of these neutral things both as a whole, and by separation into the elements that compose them. Remember that none of these things are responsible for creating our conception about them; these things are motionless and so can’t even approach us. It is we ourselves who create ideas about things, and, as we might say, drag them inside ourselves. It is in our power not to include them, and even if these conceptions have unconsciously gained admission to our minds, to erase them.

I spend a lot of time thinking about optimizing my life. Sometimes that’s towards optimizing to achieve some other goal—strengthen my business, get in better shape or have better relationships.

However, the ultimate goal is to be happy and fulfilled, so why not optimize for that more directly?

I think an easy way to optimize that is to follow the advice: Do more of the things you love, and less of the things you like.

More Love, Less Like

Each of us has things we love. These things are both deeply enjoyable, and they fit ourselves into the vision of who we would like to be. When we’re doing them, we feel both fun and joy in the moment, but also feel content with the person we’re aiming to be.

We also have things we just like. These things may offer some momentary pings of joy, but the activity itself doesn’t really make us feel better about ourselves or deeply fulfilled. It’s just something to pass the time.

A route to greater happiness, in both the day-to-day enjoyment and long-term fulfillment with who you are and where you are in life is simple: do more of the things you love, and cut back on the things you merely like.

Fewer Shoulds

There’s lots of things we have to do in life. We need to work to pay the bills. We need to support our friends and families. We need to eat healthy, stay in shape and take care of ourselves.

But there’s an awful lot of things we should do, that we neither like nor love, nor have to, in the strictest sense. Friends say we should follow politics closely or we’re a bad citizen. Society says if you haven’t read Shakespeare you’re a philistine. Parents have lists of shoulds for raising kids that grows longer every day.

Just as you should cut back on the things you like to make room for what you love, you should also cut back on the shoulds. If something isn’t a must, and it doesn’t fill you with excitement, then you might as well abandon the guilt about avoiding it now.

Don’t Feel Guilty About Things You Love

I love people who really love what they do, even if society sometimes raises an eyebrow about it.

I’m fascinated by speed runners. People who obsessively play video games to beat them as fast as possible. Society often deems playing games a low-status hobby. Grown men shouldn’t play so much. Except, the people who do it absolutely love it. I admire these people because they’re willing to work hard at something they love, even if the world around them is sometimes dismissive of it.

When I started blogging, that too had an almost pejorative connotation. “You mean those people who write online diaries?” Ditto with when I started to love personal development and habits. It’s not cool to try too hard.

Loving the things you do is what makes for happiness. More than money, fame or status. It’s also something almost fully under your control. Your health, relationships or career may be tossed around by outside factors, but doing what you love is largely a choice.

This doesn’t mean you can avoid the things you have to do. The things you have to do will take up a lot of your time, sometimes even all of it. Part of the reason to work on becoming more successful is to eliminate things you have to do and replace them with things you love to do, but even the most successful people are never completely free of it.

While you may not be able to excuse the things you have to do, you can definitely make adjustments to the things you merely like or reducing guilt from the things you feel you should do.

Disciplining Yourself to Do What You Love

It takes courage and discipline to do what you love.

Courage, because the shoulds and socially-acceptable activities you merely like, often are the default. The general tone of society isn’t love, but mild irritation, so being someone who does what you love automatically makes you a little weird.

Discipline, because our society is full of addictive behavioral loops that hijack our impulses, without providing deep satisfaction. I love learning new things, painting, programming and spending time with friends. But I’m often watching only mildly interesting YouTube videos, because the app on my phone becomes the perfect variable reinforcement schedule to give me just the right dose of intrigue for the lowest possible effort to keep me engaged.

If you want to do more of what you love, here’s how:

1. Write on a list all the things you love to do. That means you enjoy doing them, but also they give you a deeper satisfaction and meaning.
2. Write also a list of things you might love to do, if you gave them a chance. They might be things that intrigue you, but that you haven’t mastered to a point that would make you feel good consistently while you do them.
3. Write out a list of the things you do regularly, that you merely like (or even dislike!).
4. Step-by-step, seek to eliminate those in #3 and replace them with those in lists #1 or #2. You can do this by changing your habits, putting restrictions on your phone, television or computer to limit usage, or simply by signing up more of your time for what you love so the things you merely like get pushed out.

While this may sound like a strategy for those with the luxury of lots of time, it’s actually the opposite. If your life is filled mostly with things you have to do, then it’s even more important that what little remains is spent doing things you really love, and not wasted on the things that you merely like.

• 

Perhaps you have heard the saying: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” I believe this slogan, contains some useful, practical information for all of us. Its wisdom can be derived by acknowledging two psychological facts.

First, merely expecting something to happen will not make it happen. That young children have difficulty distinguishing between the subjective worlds in their heads and the outer, objective world. Children therefore sometimes believe that their thoughts can directly cause things to happen — for example, thinking angry thoughts about your little brother can cause him to fall down the stairs. . It turns out that many normal adults continue to engage in various forms of magical thinking. Prayer can be a form of magical thinking. Witness the huge popularity of The Law of Attraction, which says that our thoughts attract events into our lives. For many of us, it is difficult to let go of the idea that expecting something to happen will make it happen.

Second, we have a natural tendency to pin our hopes for happiness on fulfilled expectations. There is nothing wrong with this in and of itself, as long as we have good reasons to believe that fulfilling an expectation will make us happy, and we take the necessary steps toward fulfilling those expectations. “Good reasons” might include us knowing from past experience that certain things make us happy. For example, I know from experience that my morning cup of detox will almost inevitably give me a little bit of happiness. I, therefore, expect this experience each morning after I finish my morning chores and breakfast (both of which also reliably give me a bit of happiness).

The problem of expectation occurs when we expect something to happen without good reasons for that expectation. If I believe that my expectations alone will bring me what I want, I am using magical thinking and setting myself up for disappointment. This is really obvious when we are talking about coffee. I can’t make a cup of coffee just by thinking it into existence; I have to take the necessary steps to make it happen. I have to put the coffee and water in my coffee pan , and push the button. Just expecting my cup of coffee to appear is delusional.

This is less obvious is when our expectations involve other people. Most of us are sane enough to realize that expecting a cup of coffee to materialize from our thoughts is unrealistic. Yet many of us at some point have mistakenly believed that expecting other people to behave the way we want will actually make them behave that way. One member of a couple might expect the other to make coffee. This is fine and good if the other person is happy to do so. But what happens if the other person has no interest in living up to that expectation? We feel shocked, morally indignant, and resentful. Expectations are premeditated resentments.

It should be easy to think of examples in your own life where you have felt resentful toward people who did not live up to your expectations. It is certainly easy enough to find examples on the Internet.

“I’m sitting at the party. I planned it so perfectly. I would throw a surprise party for my best friend on my birthday. She’ll be so surprised! She walks in the door. She looks surprised. She greets everyone and thanks them for coming. She seems to be happy, yet … I know her better than anyone. I don’t feel that she’s as excited as I expected her to be. I don’t sense the appreciation that I had expected. I start to feel upset. I start to feel annoyed. What is this other feeling that’s gnawing at me? I start to feel resentment. All the planning, all the work, giving up my birthday celebration. I quietly acknowledge what I’m feeling and remind myself: ‘Expectations are premeditated resentments.'”

• Ever order a dish in a restaurant as medium-rare, and it gets served to you well done?
• Ever ask your teen in the morning to do the dishes and come home from work to find they’re not done?
• Ever go to drive somewhere, and it takes you twice as long because of construction?
• Ever do tons of exercise and get on the scale two weeks later to find the numbers haven’t budged?
• Ever go to your doctor for a routine wax clean-out and leave with a surgery date in hand?     

Expecting life to always turn out the way you want is guaranteed to lead to disappointment because life will not always turn out the way you want it to. And when those unfulfilled expectations involve the failure of other people to behave the way you expect them to, the disappointment also involves resentment.

Why is it that we don’t get upset when a cup of coffee does not make itself, but we might get upset if someone else does not make us a cup of coffee? Where do we get the sense of power to think that merely expecting others to behave the way we want them to will make them behave that way? And what entitles us to get angry at other people when they fail to meet our expectations?

Expectations among people are often based on an implicit social contract. That is, without actually verbalizing expectations about give-and-take in a relationship, people construct stories in their heads about legitimate expectations of each other. So, people in a relationship have a “deal” in which the specifics of the deal are never really talked about. It is hard for someone to live up to your expectations when they don’t know what they are, but you still might see this failure as a violation of your social contract. For example, about how she listened to a friend’s problems for years, even though it was very difficult, because she expected her friend to do the same for her when she wanted to talk about her problems. That did not happen, and the friendship ended.

Unspoken expectations are almost guaranteed to go unfulfilled. Talking openly about what you expect from other people might improve your chances of fulfillment, or so thinks Dawn Sinnott: “By learning to not expect people to know what I want and need, I’ve learned to be much clearer in my communication.

At the same time, it is unrealistic to think that merely communicating your expectations clearly is going to get people to behave the way you want them to.I don’t expect my children to know the house rules all the time; I am very clear when I remind them (even if it’s the 200th time .” Children not conforming to parents’ expectations seems to be a recurring theme. “Ever ask your teen in the morning to do the dishes and come home from work to find they’re not done?” This points to a second kind of social contract, one based on authority rather than the mutual reciprocity in a friendship. Parents assume that their children should obey their expectations because adults have the authority to run a household.

“Well, isn’t it reasonable for parents to expect certain standards of behavior from their children?” you might ask. As the father of four sons, I would agree that we should set standards for our children. Failure to do so would make you an irresponsible parent. But you should not expect that your children will follow those standards all the time. Did you follow your parents’ expectations all the time? Has any child? Thinking that this will happen is unrealistic. The question is what to do when children do not follow the rules you have designed to help them keep safe, stay healthy, and grow into their potential. If you think that the answer is to get resentful and angry and to yell and threaten, you might want to consider other alternatives.

You may have noticed that several times in this post I have distinguished between realistic and unrealistic expectations. That distinction is so important that  “The expression should actually be phrased as ‘Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentments.'” Believing that an unverbalized expectation will bring you what you want is magical thinking and is unrealistic. Expecting that doing what in the past has reliably brought about a result you want is realistic. Expecting others to do what is in your interest, but not their interest, is unrealistic. Expecting others to do what is in both of your interests can be realistic.

It is difficult to locate the exact origin of the slogan, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” However Alcoholics and addicts tend to be so impaired by their substance abuse that they are unlikely to live up to anyone’s expectations. Not having expectations for chemically impaired persons is necessary for keeping one’s own sanity. But I would say that the same is also true not just for children, who are frequently unresponsive to expectations due to their immaturity and natural rebelliousness, but to all functioning adults as well. This is because each of us, as an adult, has our own desires and agendas. We want to do what we think is in our own best interest. If we expect other people to act in ways that are not consistent with their own interests, they will probably resist our expectations, leaving us resentful. Furthermore, the person is likely to resent you, too . After all, how do you feel when people expect you to do things that are inconsistent with your own goals and values?

Let go of expectations and find something to be grateful about, even when things do not turn out the way you hoped, and you will experience serenity rather than resentment.

I do my thing and you do your thing.

I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,

And you are not in this world to live up to mine.

You are you, and I am I,

and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful.

If not, it can’t be helped.

The Gorgeous Reality of Not Being Well-Liked by Everyone

We want everyone to like us, but we shouldn’t.

As social creatures, we are concerned, often to a fault, with whether or not we are enjoyed, appreciated, and respected by those around us. We pander to the whims of others, hoping to please everyone (or at least find few enemies). We try to behave affably, make the correct remark, and laugh at the appropriate times, all for the sake of winning the fancy of our company.

The approval of others becomes a top social priority and dictates many of our actions. At some point or another, most of us succumb to this tendency to butter the rest of mankind’s bread, which is fine. It’s natural to do so. But, we must exercise caution. You see, investing ourselves too fully into how others perceive us can have terrible consequences.

When We Care Too Much About Others’ Opinions of Us

People who frequently seek the attention and praise of others are looking for an external validation of themselves. They want something outside of them to deem them worthy, able, and good. Usually, this is because, at their core, they are filled with self-doubt. So they do what they can to increase positive feedback and eliminate negative feedback.

We pander to the whims of others, hoping to please everyone.

But here’s the problem with this way of thinking: When we act in such a way that eliminates negative criticism, we also eliminate many, many possible lifestyles, actions, and directions from our realm of possibility. We become slaves to that which we believe others will approve.

---

It’s hard to get over the idea that everyone won’t like you. Shake off that pressure and remember what you’re worth with your new challenge, 3 Days of Letting Go of People-Pleasing.

---

This is a tragedy! Within all of us, there are numerous things we really, deeply wish we could do—travel the Earth, start a business, build an Earthship, become a stand-up comic/vagabond, etc. etc. But the vast majority of us don’t do these things because we’re worried about what others will say or think. We end up sacrificing our selves and our dreams to try to appease those around us.

Furthermore, it has been well-documented in psychological research studies (like this one or this one) that social anxiety directly correlates to an exaggerated desire to increase validation from others and decrease criticism. This means that the more you care about how others will react to what you do, the more likely you are to be socially discontented and uncomfortable. Instead of suffering these consequences, we should adopt a different attitude.

Let’s Embrace Those Who Judge, Scoff, and Speak Ill of Us

Caring too much about what others think of you stifles your ability to take risks and disrupts your social satisfaction. The funny thing is—whether we invest energy into making others like us or not, there will always be people who don’t.

Historically, many of the most loved people were also among the most hated while they were alive. Jesus Christ, Abraham Lincoln, and John Lennon were all assassinated for spreading messages of love and understanding. So, I’m suggesting that we’d all be much better off embracing those who will find reason to despise us.

Caring too much about what others think stifles your ability to take risks.

It’s so much easier to do this than to waste our lives allowing the faultfinders to dictate our actions. Moreover, being disliked by people is actually a sign that you’re doing something worthwhile.

Being Disliked Means You Stand for Something

When you simply mimic the values of your current company, your opinion stops being yours. You become a hypocritical piece of clay, molding yourself constantly to try to fit in everywhere, and in doing so, retaining no shape to call your own.

Conversely, being courageous enough to “do your thing,” stand by your values, and live your own lifestyle (even if it isn’t popular) is empowering because you develop a strong identity. Gradually, you become satisfied and confident in your own skin.

Your Friends Will be True Friends

When your top priority is to gain the approval of everyone, you’re inviting people to befriend a sham. You’ve developed a façade disguising your complex, idiosyncratic, untidy self. Most people won’t know the you that’s buried beneath, and you may begin to forget that person too.

On the other hand, habitually presenting your genuine, vulnerable, weird self does nothing but strengthen your acceptance of who you are. The people who call you friend will actually care about and believe in you, not some charlatan.

How to Stop Caring So Much About Others’ Opinions

I may have convinced you that you shouldn’t care as much about what other people think, but perhaps you have no idea how to go about doing that. Here are a few tips.

1. Stop Playing the Critic

Before you’ll be able to care less about others criticizing you, you must do your best to stop criticizing people. Realize that the act of judging others reflects your own intolerance. By rising above the behavior yourself, you can realize how juvenile it is in the first place.

2. Take Minor Social Risks

Start doing a few things that you normally wouldn’t do because of your fear of what others would think or say. Dance wildly at a show, voluntarily speak up in class, wear something edgy. Doing little things such as these will help you to understand that disregarding your fear of judgment and rejection is liberating! Others may have given you a harsh glance or whispered haughtily to a friend, but it was okay. You’re okay, and you did it.

Your fears may never entirely cease, but you will learn that acting in spite of them was more important. The more social risks you take, the less you will care. That’s the God-honest truth.

Your fears may never entirely cease, but you will learn that acting in spite of them was more important.

3. Live by Your Deeper Values

Do you know what you stand for? If you’re still discovering the answer to this question, that’s okay. However, from a young age, we all develop some form of a conscience. We inherently sense what paths are right and wrong for us. Start saying what you really feel and doing what you sense is right for you. We can develop a deeply rooted self-esteem by diligently upholding the values that most deeply resonate with us. The more you seek to align your actions with what you feel in the heart of your being, the less you will invest in the opinions of the mud-flingers.

4. Focus on Actual Outcomes

If you’re feeling anxious or afraid of someone who may be directing condescending energy toward you, ask yourself: What is the worst thing that can come of this person’s distaste? What am I really afraid of? Usually, it’s nothing more than a bruised ego. In some cases (such as bullying, harassment, etc.), more severe damage can be inflicted, and action must be taken, but most of the time, we’re just afraid—afraid of not being the best, the smartest, the prettiest, the fastest, etc. It’s okay to not be these things.

5. Love Your Good and Bad

Give yourself permission to not be the things you wish you could be. Embrace the fact that all of your qualities — both your boons and shortcomings — are essential to the equation that is you. “Everything I’m not made me everything I am.” Insults damage us most when we define ourselves based upon our perceived flaws.

Take time now and then to number the ways in which you’re halfway swell, and embrace the not-so-swell too. Or, perhaps look into the idea that ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are cultural or psychological constructions. They may not exist; we frame the world within the good-and-bad dichotomy because our minds naturally process things in terms of what they are not.

One Word of Caution Sometimes, people who dislike you have legitimate reason to do so. Being genuinely yourself doesn’t do much good if you are genuinely an ignorant prick who refuses to change anything. Don’t forget to keep an open mind to constructive criticism and realize you still have plenty of shit to learn.

What Will This Mean for You? This can mean about as much or as little for your life as you like. The message boils down to this: Your top priorities should be saying what you feel, and doing what flows organically from you (and c’mon, hopefully helping others here and there).

If you do this, more people may end up disliking you, but you will likely be more content, stand for something (not fascism, please), and derive a sense of meaning from your identity that is arguably hella valuable.

“Don’t pay any attention to what they write about you. Just measure it in inches.”

“Humans may resemble many other creatures in their striving for happiness, but the quest for meaning is a key part of what makes us human, and uniquely .

The pursuit of happiness and meaning are two of our most central motivations in life. Happiness and meaning are, in fact, essential elements of well-being. Happiness and meaning are strongly correlated with each other, and often feed off each other. The more meaning we find in life, the more happy we typically feel, and the more happy we feel, the more we often feel encouraged to pursue even greater meaning and purpose. 

But not always. There can be substantial trade-offs between seeking happiness and seeking meaning in life. Consider, for instance, the “parenthood paradox”: parents often report that they are very happy they had children, but parents who are living with children usually score very low on measures of happiness. It seems that raising children can decrease happiness but increase meaning. Or consider revolutionaries, who often suffer through years of violence and discord for a larger purpose that can ultimately bring great satisfaction and meaning to their lives and the lives of others.

Factors such as feeling connected to others, feeling productive, and not being alone or bored contributed to both happiness and meaning. However, they also found some important differences:

• Finding one’s life easy or difficult was related to happiness, but not meaning.
• Feeling healthy was related to happiness, but not meaning.
• Feeling good was related to happiness, not meaning.
• Scarcity of money reduced happiness more than meaning.
• People with more meaningful lives agreed that ‘relationships are more important than achievements’.
• Helping people in need was linked to meaning but not happiness.
• Expecting to do a lot of deep thinking was positively related to meaningfulness, but negatively with happiness.*
• Happiness was related more to being a taker rather than a giver, whereas meaning was related more to being a giver than a taker.
• The more people felt their activities were consistent with core themes and values of their self, the greater meaning they reported in their activities.
• Seeing oneself as wise, creative, and even anxious were all linked to meaning but had no relationship (and in some cases, even showed a negative relationship) to happiness.

It seems that happiness has more to do with having your needs satisfied, getting what you want, and feeling good, whereas meaning is more related to uniquely human activities such as developing a personal identity, expressing the self, and consciously integrating one’s past, present, and future experiences. 

In contrast, the two measures of meaning were positively associated with most of the measures of adaptation. In particular, cognitive processing was very strongly related to grit (passion and perseverance for long-term goals), and self-distancing was robustly related to gratitude and well-being, and negatively related to emotion suppression. What’s more, the interaction between cognitive processing and self-distancing was additionally associated with measures of adaptation. It seems that meaning-making is particularly adaptive if one can maintain a self-detached third-person perspective .

Often human beings are happiest when they are engaged in meaningful pursuits and virtuous activities. Indeed, when we are deeply engaged in an activity that is in accordance with our best self, we often report the highest levels of life satisfaction .

In my view, similarities and differences between happiness and meaning can contribute substantially to our understanding of this ‘sweet-spot’ of well-being: that seemingly magical combination of happiness and meaning that sets off the virtuous cycle that can ultimately lead to a life well lived. Now, that would be really meaningful.

•